December 13, 2009

• Conversation Between a Junkie and a Chris, or, How I Ripped a Junkie a New Ass Hole

       I had a conversation tonight on an online dating site called OkCupid.  It was all three of these: interesting, frustrating, hilarious, and, oh yeah, a fourth thing, I-kicked-ass. 
       See, I was talking to a new friend of mine on OkCupid’s IM system.  Her name is Raven, 24 years old, lives about a mile from me.  She was using her friend’s laptop (or rather the laptop of whom I thought was her friend).  This “friend” is named Johanna, but everyone just calls her Jo Jo.  Cute.  Raven mentioned in passing that Jo Jo was “doing blow” in the living room and was high.  Cute and charming!  Then Raven went silent for a few minutes.  I checked my inbox, and it appeared that she had just sent me a message.  I opened it up.  It said that Jo Jo had come into the room and slammed close the laptop over her, Raven’s, fingers and kicked her off.  It was at that point that Jo Jo IM’d me.
       I am presenting the highlights of our conversation below.  Names have not been changed because, no, I don’t believe in protecting the privacy of morons, namely Jo Jo:
  
       Jo Jo: whos this. who the fuck is this
       ME: Oh boy, haha. Is this Johanna?  This is Chris.  Nobody special.
       Jo Jo: cchris who…how did you get my name
       ME: Raven mentioned your name was Jojo.
       Jo Jo: motha fuck
       ME: I said I had a parrot named Jojo once.  She said, “Well, her real name is Johanna.”  And I figured that you and I aren’t friends yet, so I should call you by your real name.
       Jo Jo: raven fucked up my computer
       ME: No she didn’t, haha.  You’re just high.  It’s okay, your computer is fine.
       Jo Jo: high as a kite mfer
       ME: Very productive.

  Jump ahead about one minute, and then this:

       Jo Jo: how do you know raven
       ME: I only know her through this site.
       Jo Jo: she is a psyco bitch, comes over her and steals my food
       ME: Steals your food?!?! MAN! What a psycho bitch!
       Jo Jo: shes bad news…..u better stay away….she is only l7. how old are you
       ME: How do you know she’s 17??
       Jo Jo: she lives across the hall from me i get high with her daddy

  This whole time, Jo Jo is talking to me on Raven’s account, so Jo Jo says, “Gotta go……..get the hell on my screen name.”  Now, I thought she was telling me that she was switching to her own account and that she wanted me to send her a message to her screen name.  This is not what she meant, however.  What she meant was basically, “I’m signing off Raven’s account and gonna get onto my own.”  She wasn’t telling me to message her, but because I thought she was, I asked her what her screen name was, to which she responded with:

       Jo Jo: listen i am not going to give my name out to every fuck she talks tooooo get a life jerko
       ME: You just told me to get on yours.
       Jo Jo: go jerk off
       ME: You’re telling me to get a life, and yet you’re getting high with a young girl’s dad?!
       Jo Jo: who are u jesus christ
       ME: You can tell me to get a life, but I can’t tell you to get a life?  I see.  They call that a “double standard,” and this indicates you’re a Liberal.  Let’s look at what just happened: You told me to IM you on YOUR screen name.  Then I said, “Okay, what is it?”  Then you said you weren’t gonna tell me and I’m “a fuck” and for me to go masturbate.
       Jo Jo: jessssssusssss christ….gotta go your psyco bullshit ounds like ur are disfunctional
       ME: I’m dysfunctional?  You’re high!  With your friend’s dad!
       Jo Jo: better high than disfunctional
       ME: Being high IS dysfunction.  It is a lack of functionability.
       Jo Jo: u sound like one of those bullshit do gooders
       ME: How do I sound like I’m a do-gooder? Do-gooders are GOOD, for one thing, because they DO GOOD. But what’s so “goody 2 shoes” about saying you shouldn’t be doing cocaine?
       Jo Jo: fu off fu off fu off

  After a bit more arguing, none of which is funny enough to post here, I eventually asked her how old she was.  The answer she gave: “30 and some months.”  Thirty and some months.  So here we have a thirty-year-old, right?  A full-grown woman.  What full-grown thirty-year-old woman do you know who answers the question, “How old are you?” with her age and then the number of extra months?  It’s the perfect equivalent of saying, “Thirty and a half.” 
       Then she called me a loser.  Normally when someone calls me a loser, I don’t go all Marty McFly on them (“Nobody…calls me chicken, Biff, nobody!”)  But when a loser by anybody’s standards calls me a loser, that’s different.  That I can’t get past.  If she were someone else, it would have gone in one ear and out the other, all stealth-like.  But this is how it went instead, starting from the trigger point:

       Jo Jo: you must be some loser she [Raven] is talking too
       ME: Yes, I’m a loser. I’m 30 and I still do drugs to shelter myself from my sad, pathetic life and the harsh world outside.  Yes, I’m the loser.  You figured it out.
       Jo Jo: byyyyy byyyy loser
       ME: Do something with your life.
       Jo Jo: U sound like you need a life    
       ME: Maybe I should ignore the realities of the world, right? And get high?  Maybe I should waste half my life high on a couch.  Maybe you can help me.  Do you think you can help me?  I really need to give up my schooling and give up my art and my photography.  I need to give up all the things that make me happy and I need to just wither away on a couch with red eyes and a fried brain.  Yes, that’s the life I’d like to have.  Please, can you tell me how I too can achieve all that you’ve accomplished, because you sure have accomplished a lot!

  It was somewhere in the middle of my rant there that Jo Jo unfortunately went offline , denying me what surely could have been another twenty minutes of entertainment (and frustration, I admit; even though I don’t need to admit that here since I mentioned the frustration at the beginning of this post).
       So what did everybody else do this evening?

  • 1:14 am
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